My first article here mentioned briefly about how I’ve had to fight to find some kind of balance between kink and vanilla in my life. I wasn’t expecting to cover that topic quite so soon, but a few issues have cropped up in my personal life to mean that, once again, I am struggling to find balance.

At first glance, I don’t seem much of a sadist. Apparently my looks are deceiving and I seem to be more of the quiet and sweet girl that hides in the corner. I do, however, get an incredible rush from sadism that is impossible to recreate in other ways, and it is this trait of mine that I am now having to mourn.

Two weeks ago I received news from my neurosurgeon that my neck has a fracture and the bone is crumbling at an alarming rate. My first thought wasn’t about my health, but about the fact that I am ultimately no longer able to dish out the thrashings that I love to see endured, and that if I do I cannot be sure of how much force I am using, given that I am losing feeling in my dominant arm.

This post isn’t going to be ‘oh woe is me’ but it does throw up an interesting question for me, and I’m sure for many other kinksters: how do you adjust to your main fetish being no longer viable?  The response from my clients has been largely amusing, with many offers of help if I want it. The trouble is that I actually get my needs met through sadism.

So what now? It begs the question of how I’m going to be able to get my needs met and this worries me greatly. While I do have other fetishes, they don’t quite give me the thrill that dishing out pain does.

I have a lot of thinking to do.