Emotions of AftercareAug 6th, 2012 | By Alt Sex Therapist | Category: Alt Sex Therapist, Columns, Contributors
There is a notion that aftercare is often about sweet reconnection. This is true and there are other methods as well. It may seem counter intuitive but some people want to be angry and/or left alone after an intense scene. This isn’t something that is negative, it is processing through the emotions of what was experienced and dealing with the feelings that it brought.
Playing in a scene isn’t always about bliss, often times it can be a way for people to work through the day, relationships, the past, and anxiety about the future. With a scene that pushes emotional limits or taps into something core, it is understandable that a range of expression will occur. This is natural.
Some times others that are used to only one form of aftercare (holding,petting, softness) get confused when someone wants to scream or be by themselves. They get concerned that something is wrong. However, if you check in and the person makes it clear they are okay, then give them the space to process the scene. All it means is they are doing it in their own way.
It is okay to yell and be mad. I know this seems obvious, but really it is okay to be upset after a scene. Usually, most of the anger is about resolving other issues and rarely about the scene itself. Being able to express feelings that are not always happy and shiny is just as important as being able to share them. Without the full range, we miss out on the spectrum of being human. Play can make us feel frustrated, insecure, furious, and betrayed. Yep, these are the parts that we aren’t supposed to want. However, they help us grow. We have feelings to FEEL them so allowing them to surface after a scene in the way they need to is crucial for those involved.
What is also okay is when a person wants to be left alone. Normally, we think that in aftercare the person will want to be held or physically touched in some way. However there are times where some individuals want to be left alone emotionally, mentally, and/or physically. Often they are oversensitive and need the downtime of quiet solitude to regroup. If they were to be spoken to or touched it would feel like too much too soon. Hence, they take time for themselves.
It is important to remember that not everyone processes experiences and emotions in the same way. It requires checking in and allowing for differing personalities to have the space to surface. There isn’t something wrong with you or them if the person needs to raise their voice a bit or even if they want to be alone. It just means that each person’s aftercare is important even when it differs from the norm.
Alt Sex Therapist
Jasmine St. John