Have you ever been in the middle of a scene and start thinking too much? Maybe you are thinking about what you are supposed to do next, if you are doing it right, if you are responding with enough passion, if you have laundry to do, when will it be over so you can get some dinner. Any and all of these are pretty common experiences for people while they are playing.

The wonderful feeling of being in a trance-like state during and after a scene is something to relish. And if you have trouble staying there, you aren’t alone. This comes up a lot with someone who is learning how to express, playing with a new partner, and/or personal expectations.   There is a lot floating around in our brains at any given time and often enjoying the moment fully is difficult.

So how do you slow the racing thoughts and be present in the scene?

One of the first steps is to look at your own patterns. You start by gathering some data. Look at what is happening before after and during the scene. Maybe you had a long day, perhaps you are hungry, the kids were stressing you out earlier, or you have some emotional stress in some area of your life. Consider if during the scene you are distracted by the sounds, sensations, or temperature.  Are you fixated on the next moment? After the scene, look into how you connect with your partner, what your physical needs are, and how you process the scene together or individually. There are so many factors that lead us to be fully present within the moment, these are just a few to consider.

Once you have a handle on what is taking you out of the scene head space, make some adjustments. Maybe you start to realize that if you play on Thursday nights that you can’t really get into it because you always have a project due on Friday morning. So try changing up days and see if these things make a difference to your ability to stay within the scene.

Another approach is to take a quick moment and stop. I know it sounds like it will break the flow of the moment but if you aren’t really focused anyway it might be worth taking a sip of water, stretching a little, or figuring out what you need in the moment. Bottoms are encouraged to take quick breaks as well. Being able to come back to center is a great way to get in touch with your sensations, the connection between you and your partner, and the ability to recharge your focus.

The brain can also get bored. It looks for new things to focus on… the brain will look for what is different. This fact can take us out of the moment of the scene and so it can be good to try variety. Learning how to be proficient, and exactly what works is wonderful and sometimes mixing it up can be exactly what is needed. Look into playing in a new place, trying a slight variation, or even something totally new. This method has its own distractions but for sure it can reengage the brain in a focused way.

What if you make the changes and still find it difficult to stay in the moment?

There is a ton of evidence out that talks about how breathing in unison with your partner helps you feel connected, builds trust, and bring you back to the moment. Also taking some deep breaths allows your system to reboot and clear away the clutter that might be intruding in your ability to enjoy the scene  fully.

Take some time to understand your system and what it needs to get the most out of the play time. You are doing this because it is enjoyable and allows you to express. Hence it is a great step to figure out what is going on so that you can begin to enjoy that top/bottom space of naturally altered states the brain creates during an awesome connected scene.

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Alt Sex Therapist

Jasmine St. John MS, LMFT

JSJ Therapy