Hey! RU thare? – How Not To Message a Potential Kink Partner.

May 9th, 2012 | By | Category: Advice, Columns, Contributors, MissR

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I Can Haz KNK?

Yes, this is going to be a little bit of a rant.  Be aware and proceed with caution.

It is currently Monday morning while I write this.  I just waded through almost an hour’s worth of messages that had piled up in the ‘in’ box for one of the social media websites I belong to.  There were a few gems in amongst the crap, but not enough to mitigate the feeling of rage I have pulsing through me.

When contacting anyone in Kink, especially someone you wish to play with, there are a few things you should keep in mind before you start even typing a message.  Use these tips and your success rate will go up substantially.

  1. If you have a website profile to read on them, read it.  You may get little tidbits about them that just looking at a picture would never do.  Profiles can be dry reading.  If they are pretty or exciting to look at, but they have a really dull profile, you might not be interested in them in real life.  There may be things about how they play, or how they wish to be addressed that will give you style points for actually using.
  2. Reference the profile when you first contact them.  If you decide that the profile they have intrigues you more, message them.  Be polite. Use their chosen name on the site.  Make it brief.  And only mention your want and type of play after you have introduced yourself.
  3. Use full words and sentences.  I don’t care if you cannot spell.  Some might.  Putting in the effort to use ‘You’ and not ‘U’ while first contacting someone will bring you further along in an online conversation with most people I know.  This is not a Tweet or Text.  Show some intelligence and you are more likely to attract a play partner.
  4. You have your kinks, but do not assume that they have the same ones.  Profiles are there to give you a hint of what someone is like.  If you list a particular thing on your own profile that you do not see on theirs, politely ask if they are into the thing, but do not push.  Telling someone that you want to cover them in chocolate sauce and chase them around the woods with a balloon sword in the fist sentence may be a bit much and will put people off from contacting you back.
  5. Wait.  Some people do not go online to certain sites more than once a week.  Not everyone lives in a circumstance where they have the privacy.  If you have contacted someone, wait at least 24 hours before messaging them again.  This gives enough time for someone to check messages and does not give the impression of a stalker.  Again, if the person’s profile mentions that they have limited internet use, keep that in mind and do not overload their ‘in’ box with your first contact.
  6. Move on.  If the person has not contacted you back in a reasonable amount of time or you get a response that is not positive, look somewhere else.  Do not be angry that it did not work out, just know that it didn’t.  It may be in how you approached or the person just was not interested.  Don’t take it to heart as the first message to the next person should be better with what you have learned with the last person.

I really hope that this gets through to many of the people out there who don’t seem to be able to make a good first impression when messaging on social networking sites.  The first impression is the only time you get to really wow someone.  It is also the time when you can get yourself blacklisted from their presence, even if it just virtually.

I will keep the opinions I have  for the profile picture ‘cock shot’ for another rant.

Keep these important tips in mind for the next time you see someone on a site you want to get to know.


Miss R from the Leathermines.

For more Etiquette articles by Miss R, please read Pro Dom:What it is and isn’t and Meeting people outside the lifestyle.

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